Enjoying the Journey

This weekend, I headed out to Huntsville to support my friend Jeanette in her first 100-miler. It was an absolutely wonderful experience.

I think it was a good thing that I had Bandera to mourn before I ever got to Rocky; that way, all the bad, sad feelings had gotten out of my system over the first missed goal. I'd come to terms with the loss, recognized that Rocky as a 50-miler was out, and I'd focused on what I could get out of the journey. When Jeanette needed pacing after dark, it opened up a positive possibility for me. I am so thankful to her for giving me this gift!

I left Austin late morning so I could get to the park leisurely. It was such a gorgeous day! Blue skies and cool, just perfect running weather. My luck was good--I pulled up at the park, snagged an excellent parking sport right near the real bathrooms and close to the start/finish (important as I planned to bunk in my car for the night), walked over, and immediately ran into Jeanette's husband, Jim. We chatted and he got me up to date on her progress. It turns out she and Charlene had hooked up and were running together; their first loop had been a bit on the speedy side, and Jim was expecting them any minute for the end of the second (5 x 20 mile loops for the 100). They came in about 20 minutes or so later, and Jim and I helped/watched as they stopped at their drop bags...interestingly, they were numbers 327 and 326). It was agreed that I would do the 4th loop and Jim would get to help with the 5th. Calculations showed that I'd be starting in the range of as early as 7:00PM and as late as 9:00PM, depending on how miles 40-60 went.

I'd planned for this and had a dinner waiting back in the car, along with my "nest." My Tribute is big enough for me to comfortably lay down in; I'd created a pallet of sleeping bag pads and two sleeping bags for my bed. All my supplies were in bags in the seat next to me and the other back half of the SUV. It's really quite cozy. So I watched a few other friends run in and out and then hit the car from about 4:30-6:30 to eat, put my feet up, and relax. At 6:30PM, I changed into running gear, hit the bathroom, and then walked over to the start/finish to assume my wait. I like to be there at the earliest possible time so that there's no danger of missing my runner (can you imagine the horror?!? Having a great race and coming in to find no pacer waiting? I've seen it happen...). I bundled up and sat in my chair, watching. I find the excitement and drama of the night-time loops endlessly fascinating.

Jeanette came in closer to 9PM; once it had gotten dark, they had made the decision to go more towards a walk than a run. Huntsville has lots and lots of roots, and when you get tired, it's hard to pick up those feet. Add the dark in, and it's just a recipe for a fall. They changed into warmer stuff and the three of us headed out.

Originally, I'd been worried about two things: I'd never run in the park before and they had been running faster-than-expected loops. The course was so well marked that my leading was no problem whatsoever. We did have a couple of spots where there were giant mud pits and because they'd been through them several times already, they knew better than I how to pick their way around the muck. My second fear vanished in that they really did not want to move faster than a brisk, purposeful walk. So my job was more to make sure we kept it brisk and steady, not allowing them to fall into more of a stroll or easy effort, and to keep things moving along at the aid stations. We called ourselves "the train" and the train just kept on rollin'.

It was truly a lot of fun. There was some singing, quite a bit of laughing, and a general sense of wonder and good will. I was so impressed by their determination. We came back into the start/finish at about 3:10AM. Short refueling, and I was sad to see them leave without me...but happy because I knew they would absolutely finish.

I got some sleep in the car from about 4AM-8AM. My intention had been to get up and go back to start/finish to see them come in, which I predicted to be about 9:30AM. However, I realized that if I waited I'd miss my window of opportunity to get to Conroe where my son had a soccer tourney. The opportunity for a hot shower and warm breakfast before the mid-day game proved irresistible. I left, met up with the family, got breakfast AND a shower AND a short nap before sitting outside and watching an exciting and well-played (if not victorious)soccer match. My son kept me company on the long ride home. I was toast by the time we hit the house; my hubby had beaten us home and gotten dinner ready! I sat in the chair and "watched" the Super Bowl (translation: napped) until an early bedtime.

My friends finished in 27:21, each successfully completing her first 100-mile race. My hat's off to you ladies!!

Last Sunday, I tried a "long" run, the first one since December. I pulled out my old go-to run route in the 'hood from back in IM training days. Back then, I'd developed a very serviceable out-and-back route that allowed me to go as long as I needed to (our long runs weren't that long, and they were mostly by time anyway), taking advantage of the less hilly--and I say "less hilly" because nothing's really flat over here--portions of the neighborhood. Basically, I'd leave my house and wend my way along until I hit Bart Hollow, which tees into the main street (Spicewood Parkway?) over behind Balcones Club. It's more than 8 miles but less than 10....

Sunday was cold, between 30-32 degrees for the entire run. It felt good because it was nice and dry. I was surprised at how good my leg felt. Yes, there were tweaks and twinges and I'm by no means 100%, but I booked along well. When I got back and consulted my log, I found that I was only a couple of minutes off my fastest time on that route at that distance.

I've been a bit sore since then. The "spot" has been achey off and on, and I had a slight discomfort sitting at the soccer game last night. Today, I felt great while running on the treadmill...but after driving around in the car, the ache was back. It perturbs me. I wonder if I am pushing the pace too much, as distance and amount was not supposed to be an issue. The hard thing is that I feel fine when running; the ache shows up after. So how do I gauge what is appropriate when I'm actually exercising? I think I need to revisit Dr. Hutchens to discuss expectations as far as healing. Perhaps I'm just going to be somewhat sore for awhile.

A friend who is doing her first 100 this weekend asked me if I could keep her company for the last loop or some portion of the last two. She's been sick, and I wonder if she's even still going...but I hate to press her on her plans if she's agonizing over what to do. I know how hard it is to wrestle with making those decisions. In the meantime, I keep looking out the window at the rain, shuddering. Running in the cold and wet and mud for hours and hours is not so appealing; while I can't wait to get back on the trail, I'd love better circumstances (for both me and her).

Saw a good friend today and one of the things we discussed was "freedom." It was an interesting topic, brought up in a daily devotional from a book he's reading. It was eerily topical and accurate for both of us. And we talked about the selfish definition of "freedom" ("doing what I want when I want") and then what we felt it really meant to be free, which had more to do with deciding to live your life without letting certain things (depression, anger, numbness) control you. It was a good talk, a good talk on a rainy, gloomy day.

I've run Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and today. Tuesday and Thursday, I did the 3-mile loop at Lady Bird Lake; Wednesday, I did the 4-mile loop. Today, I enjoyed the treadmill, alternating walking and running, since I was a bit sore and the weather was nasty.

So now I have to give a testimonial: Airrosti therapy is fantastic. I cannot say enough how impressed I've been with the results I've gotten. After 4 treatments (my 4th was Thursday morning), I have no more back pain; it no longer hurts when I sit; I can lift my leg without pain; no limping, either walking or running; I can stretch out my leg without pain. Every time I went for therapy, there was noticeable improvement.

I won't see Dr. Ellspermann for 2 weeks. During this time, I'll continue the exercises his PT has given me. I can run as much as I want for as long as I want if I keep it slow and easy and pain-free, which is not a problem. Right now, if I try to run faster than an 11mm, my leg speaks to me. He explained that this is because it's weak, so I've just got to rebuild. And that's just fine with me. The other thing I have to deal with is the extra weight that is making me feel crappy (both running and in general). But now that I'm getting my drug of choice regularly, I have a more sunny outlook on things and anything seems possible (I'm flashing to Annette Benning in "American Beauty": "I will sell this house today! I will sell this house today!" lol).

Looks like I will try a very easy 7-10 on Sunday.

Today was my first run in 23 days. I'd cut back my running to about twice a week (painfully)starting on December 1, and my run on January 3 was so bad that I immediately stopped running at all. So, essentially, for the last two months, I've done little to no running.

I went to therapy yesterday and everybody agreed I had the all-clear to try a run. I was warned that I might need to walk/run but the girl who does my taping and shows me exercises told me that it probably wouldn't be as bad as I thought, seeing as I'd tried to keep some aerobic activity going through spinning and walking.

Today turned out to be just the kind of day I love, sunshiney and a bit cooler. Because of some home repair stuff going on, I had to wait until noon to get out, which is fine by me (I MUCH prefer to run in the later part of the day). I'd originally thought I'd head down to Lady Bird Lake but I decided it would be best to do the last run I did, my 5K neighborhood loop. That was the run that told me my course of action over the preceeding month had not been productive and that I was, in fact, worse. I couldn't even run all of it and I limped regardless of walking or running. And I hurt.

I headed out with trepidation. The first little bit consisted of me being hypervigilant--did my hip hurt? What was that twinge? Should I feel this bad? And the next thing I knew, I was forgetting to pay attention and just running.

It was clear to me that some pacing felt better than others (I guess there are subtle--or not so subtle--changes in my stride depending on my pace) and for long periods, I was just enjoying myself. Unlike last time, I ran all the way. There was no limping. And I didn't hurt then, and I don't hurt now.

Now, I felt like a lumbering cow and I'm still not 100%,as I'm sore and aware of "the spot." But I'd say I'm 90%, and looking at all my beautiful, fit friends last night made me vow to get those extra pounds back off. I'll run again tomorrow and go back for therapy on Thursday. My big challenge now is to make sure I ramp up properly and keep myself healthy.

It feels so good!!

I went out to cheer at 3M this morning. My good friend Dr. Stephanie was running and I wanted to give encouragement since I couldn't actually run it with her. It was so much fun because my trail running friend Stacey asked if I would cheer with her. I hadn't seen Stacey since she gently encouraged me to get a second opinion on my "back" problem, and I needed to hear all about her Bandera adventures and get caught up. So we met up to ring cowbells, chat, and be loud at North Loop and Burnet.

Because the race got started so late, we got to see everybody...from the front runners and wheelchair athletes to the very last walkers. I wore my TriZones boa and she wore a funny bird mask and we whooped it up and soaked up all the energy streaming past. I think cheering for runners is almost as good as actually running the race. In fact, I've probably stood and cheered at 3M as many times as I've run it.

I did catch Dr. Stephanie as she came by, and I jumped in for just a short little run around the corner and up the hill. She looked great! Another successful half marathon under her belt--that's got to be 5 or 6 now. I'm so happy for her.

Monday is my third therapy session and, afterwards, I will get to try a run. I CAN'T WAIT!!

The hubby and I did an up-and-back to the 'doches on Saturday to get our girl moved into her first apartment. We looked like the Clampetts; we managed to (miraculously) get everything in the pickup, and thank goodness there wasn't enough rain that we needed to keep the tarp on top.

On Sunday, we took a walk at Lady Bird Lake and it was the first time my hip has not hurt either before, during, or after. Now, the hip clearly talks to me if I try to walk fast or lengthen my stride so it's really an easy walk. But I view it as progress.

I'm a bit frustrated over setting up my therapy sessions. When I went for the first one, the therapist explained to me that they like to set up the next two or three immediately, as they book up fast and people usually only need 3-4 treatments. However, the girl who handled that was not there, which left it to me to call in and schedule. I'd wanted to get in on Monday (today), but had to take the only available appointment on Tuesday. And I don't have the third one scheduled, because I don't know when he wants me back...and I'm afraid that it will get stretched out such that this downtime without running winds up longer than it needs to be.

I got to see a friend who's ill last week. I went with dread, as the last time we visited was a very low spot both physically and mentally for him; I wasn't sure how much lower it could get, and I mentally girded myself up in case he had deteriorated. So much joy at seeing actual improvement in his condition! He is more his old self, and that to me is what it means to "beat" the disease. It's not about getting well per se--it's about maintaining who you are and taking the best from each day that you can have, and he has embraced this. The positive energy is beautiful and infectious.

There's always something to learn, and I think the lesson I'm being repeatedly hit over the head with is that I need to be happy with finding the best in each day as it's given.

I got to go to my boy's soccer game today in Georgetown. It was funny--rained as I was going there, stopped while I was at the game (for the most part), and then rained the whole way back. We were the home team, and our crowd consisted of me and one other mom. The away team, A&M Consolidated, had probably 20 people there. Go figure.

Tomorrow hubby and I are driving apartment stuff to the Doches for our girl. She is very excited. I hope we do not have rain the whole way there as we'll have big items in the back of the truck.

I forced myself to walk on the treadmill this morning since it was so nasty. At first, I hurt and was pretty sore. But afterwards, I think I felt the best I have in weeks. That is, until I went and sat for 2 hours on metal bleachers. Even with padding, the position is just wrong (or just on the right spot, however you want to look at it).

Cedar must've been astronomical today because I got hit with the big allergy stick. Here's hoping that my treatment and herbs really get this under control tonight. So far, acupuncture has done a great job of getting my seasonal allergies under control, and I'd hate to have to go back on the drugs.

Busy day today,and part of it was my first round of therapy on the hamstring. It's too early to tell anything, but both the therapist and I were frustrated at the doc's orders for no running. He would've liked for me to give it a little test run and I am dying to run to see how it feels. Patience, patience.

Horrible accident last night in the soccer game. An opposing player was whacked with a foot in the few inches between shoe and shin guard; broke both bones in his leg. Ambulance on the field makes me sick to my stomach. Got word today that he will have to have a metal rod set and it is questionable about coming back to soccer. There but for the grace of God....

I had the follow up visit today; I have a high hamstring tear.

Interestingly enough, I have some tearing on both sides, but (obviously) worse on the right side. A hamstring tear will give lower back pain, so there is nothing actually going on with my back. Seems being an older, hormonal, long-distance running woman lends itself to this injury.

The good news is that this week of rest has helped a lot. The doc gave me a plan of action--I'm going to start Airrosti therapy on Wednesday. After 2-3 sessions, I can try an easy 5-miler. We'll take it from there. I can swim, bike, do light weights, and just about anything that does involve repetitive motion as in running or up and down motion like basketball, etc. He told me not to completely write off my events in February. Now, 50 miles is probably out but I may be able to salvage some things. It makes me hopeful and happy.

The bad news is that the Airrosti therapy involves breaking up scarring on the tendons and manipulating the fascia. This sounds a lot like the very painful ligament stripping that Sellers did about two weeks back. I will suck it up, though, and it will make me better.

Missing Bandera threw me into a deep pit of depression this weekend. If another person tells me how lucky I was to miss Bandera because it was cold, I will hit him/her. That doesn't make me feel better...it just rubs in that I missed a great adventure in my favorite place in Texas to run. Well, it's gone and I'm putting my funk behind me and moving on.

And hopefully, my hubby will not have to listen to me obsess for much longer about my injury. I know it's gotten old, the constant talking about it and the wild mood swings made worse by lack of physical release. I'm tired of myself, too.

While I wait for my follow-up appointment and MRI results, I feel like I'm in workout limbo. Right now, I have enough pain that doing anything has a downside. Because I haven't gotten any better over the last month, I am also gun-shy about making things worse. So I find myself not doing anything at all.

I last went to spinning on Monday. I haven't done anything since; I intended to spin Wednesday but got caught in the baby-sitting-repair-folks inactivity at home all day. No real excuse for yesterday and today, other than I'm in a funk and walking has lost its charm.

Eh--I just need to get off my ass.

This weekend is Bandera. I see the weather as a gift from God; not that it would've been too cold for me during the 50K--on the contrary! I would loved that weather. Nope...I'd planned on camping out in my car tonight, and trying to stay warm overnight in sub-20 degree weather sounds like hell. I hope all my crazy camping friends stay safe and warm out there.

I'll be taking the daughter back to Nacogdoches tomorrow instead of running. I think I will plan a walk along the Lanana Creek trail before I head back. It'll be another day of up-and-back driving, which is not good for my back either. Sigh.

Today, I am feeling pretty upbeat in general. Which is kind of funny, considering nothing has really changed. I think what has triggered this is that I feel I am on the way to some certainty and a more definite plan. That's all I need--a plan, somewhere to focus, knowledge of what I can and can't expect.

Yesterday, I saw the new doc for the second opinion. He did an xray, which cleared me of all kinds of big things; I don't think I'd realized how worried I was about hearing something like, "You're got some kind of growth" or "Looks like arthritis--learn to live with it" until I heard, "Everything looks clear on the xray--no fractures, tumors, anything like that." After the exam, the doc told me there were basically 2 courses of action: 1) to take it easy and see what happens over time, or 2) get an MRI. Since I've been taking it easy for a month now and I've only gotten worse, of course I opted for the MRI route. That happens this afternoon, and I go back on Monday for the follow-up.

A friend of mine has been going through something remarkably similar (though his condition has been going on longer and with more effect)--yes, we've compared our "butt pain" extensively, and we're both feeling the same things in our sit-bone area--and he finally got his diagnosis yesterday. While his recovery involves 4-6 months of not running, there was a definitive answer and a course of treatment. I can live with something like that. If I have to stop running, I'll just plan to spend that time doing the things I can and being as productive as I can in areas that will benefit me when I DO get back to running.

On Thursday, I went for a short run at Lady Bird Lake to make a decision: was Bandera an option? The answer was resoundingly "no." You know you're not fit to run a 50K (or even a 25K) when you have to mull it over whether you should "tough out" the 4 mile loop. And it was obvious to me that my stride was affected and I was limping; I ran the whole way, but it wasn't pretty or worth the discomfort. I got in the car, cried myself home, and committed to no Bandera. I'm not even going out there, because we all know that a good volunteer works much harder than the actual participants and the 3-hour car ride alone is not in my best interest. So I'm completely sitting it out.

Early that afternoon, I had brunch with friends. These are trail running friends, so of course they asked about my running. My decision got easier and easier to talk about, especially because they all understood that I wanted someone to mourn with me, to say "that really sucks" and not tell me there are other races, blah blah blah. Just acknowledge that it hurts. They all supported my decision, reinforced that I really have little choice, and helped me with beginning to think about the big goal, Rocky. My coach thinks if I can do one more long run between now and February 6 that the 50 miler is not lost. Hmmmm...I am not sure I agree with that, but I am putting off thinking about it much until I get a second opinion on what exactly my problem is and how to resolve it. A lot can happen in a month.

I'm trying to get an hour's worth of some sort of exercise each day. The problem is that now walking is being affected. The doc had said I couldn't hurt myself walking, that it was in fact GOOD for my back. However, I've noticed that I'm starting to limp when I walk, and yesterday's walk was little better than the running. Pain is an indicator of a problem, and if my gait changes, I know something is wrong. The course of treatment I've invested in for the last month is clearly not helping and may have been hurting. After all, I started out able to run, actually feeling better when I ran.

So this week is dedicated to the second opinion. We'll see what it brings.

Last year, a friend challenged me to list 10 things I was proud of doing over the year. It was embarrassingly hard to do...not really because there aren't things that I'm proud of but because that's something that's hard in hindsight to keep track of. If you don't do it at the time, it's lost. And often, in hindsight, I cheat things by thinking, "Oh, somebody else wouldn't think that's worth being proud of." Well, that's not the point...these should be things that made me proud, regardless of what weight the rest of the world assigns them.

I told myself I'd make a mental note throughtout 2009 of things I was proud of and I did. I am proud of myself for:

1. patiently coming back from illness (thyroid-related and flu) and surgery
2. running with my friend Stephanie on several of her half marathon adventures (half of the Austin Half and Zooma)
3. organizing a celebration for my friend Cathy's 5-year cancer-free anniversary
4. successfully completing my 3rd 50K race
5. running a marathon-length (or better) run each weekend for 3 weeks in October
6. helping my friend Marcia complete her first 100-mile race by pacing her during her final 25 miles
7. meeting the goals I set for starting my book (completing an outline and at least one chapter)
8. attending my daughter's horn recitals in Nacogoches and my son's cross country meets around Austin
9. finding time regularly to keep my friend Dano company
10. stretching myself to expand the group of people I do things with and to say "yes" more often than "no" to social invitations

There are other things but these are the first 10 that came to mind. It's funny how when you make an effort to notice these things, you give yourself more of a pat on the back each time one registers. It's a nice feeling.

Just got back from this week's trip to the doc. The good news: I won't see him again until a week from Wednesday. The bad news: I have more ligament stripping in my future for that day.

It's been just a few days shy of a month and this has got me down. I've never had a running-related issue that wasn't well on the way to being resolved (if not completely resolved) in a month.

I'm going to try some gentle, easy running while I have the prodding-free time and see what happens. And based on what happens over the next week, I'll make a decision about my upcoming races.

Honestly, I'll be glad to see 2009 go; I've had more health-related downtime in the last 14 months than I have previously had in my entire running career all combined.

I have a pretty high pain threshold. I've done/had done some things that are by all rights very painful and I'm not a whiner. I can suck it up with the best of them.

Yesterday, I went to the morning run out at Walnut Creek. My back was achey, like labor pains, but what really bugged me was my right leg just had no power. It was sore and hard to pick up, and I felt like I was limping. Afterwards, a bunch of folks were heading out for a second loop and I knew it was wrong for me to do it due to how the first loop had felt. It was depressing.

All throughout the day, my back and hip ached. I was definitely limping some, and it was hard to go up the stairs (and if you've been to our 3-story house, you know that gets old pretty quick).

I was back at the chiropractor today; at first, the younger doctor was working on me. I was telling him about my easy run and how my back felt and the whole right leg thing, and he said to me, "Dr. Sellers is going to tell you not to run." Dr. Sellers came in and we talked. He was interested in the weakness and did a lot of prodding...and suddenly, he was on to a very tender area. The two of them worked in tandem to move my leg in ways that brought me to a sweat and, eventually, made me cry. It was clearly the mother of spots, the source of everything. At this point, Dr. Sellers said they needed to bust up the buildup on that ligament, that I had a secondary nerve entrapment cause by scar buildup on the ligament running from the inside of my hip up to the bottom of my tail bone. He said it would be very painful. I laughingly responded that it couldn't be any worse that what he'd just done to me. I was wrong.

Because one end is so close to my girly nether regions, I wound up on the massage table with my shorts off and a woman working on me. She busted out a special tool that looked kind of like a heavy-duty spork (but without real points). Basically, she ran this tool up and down the length of the ligament. Slowly. Three times. I have never felt anything so painful in my entire life. Honestly. I did Lamaze breathing and tried to find my happy place, but I cried again. We had to stop twice to let me get my breathing back under control.

Afterwards, they put me on ice, some electro-stimulation, and then did some ultrasound. I'm supposed to sit on ice for 20 minutes off and on throughout the day. When I asked about ibuprophen, I got an "Oh, absolutely. You're going to be really sore." No exercise of any kind for two days.

I still feel shakey. And it is absolutely amazing how different that area feels.

It's funny to me how the chiropractor can spend about 15-20 minutes working on me and I feel like I've done a very difficult workout. I'm a noodle right now, and I've got tons of fairly physical things to do. All I want to do is lay down and rest.

My back was killing me on Thursday. Between the treatment Wednesday afternoon and spending 8 hours in the car driving (well, I drove for 4 hours and was a passenger for 4--my daughter drove back--and that change in position helps a lot), I could barely walk Thursday night. It was the worst my back has felt during all of this. Friday, I walked and did my exercises and I gradually felt better and better. My run on Saturday felt good; the irony is the drive back was the most difficult part for me. Sunday, I felt good enough to run but skipped it to enjoy home things.

So today I went back and told him how I'd felt. He did all his manipulation stuff and told me (again) that, while I may feel pain one place, it is all a back problem and the seated position is just a big problem for my injury. Afterwards, I'm doing my exercises for the other doc and I'm simply weak. I can't complete one of my side planks, and my extended squats on the side that's been worked on send me into a sweat. I've just got no strength there.

Frustrating. I have every confidence in the world I'll come out of this pain-free and stronger and better off than before but I'm wishing for a little more progress at the moment.

Waiting for my boy to get back from driving his girlfriend home, so thought I'd post.

Today, I went out to Bastrop to do the long run that I missed because of my back. Everybody else in the training group was falling back this week, so I expected to run by myself at some point as I needed to do 25 or so. Except I found myself alone from the get-go; it seemed there had been some schedule change. Normally, I double check the webiste before I head out, but Diana and I had talked about what I needed to do the last Saturday, and they'd never moved a long run before...anyway, I was by myself.

It was probably a good thing. When I run by myself, things process. It's not like I intentionally go out thinking I'll think about difficult things or resolve issues; it just happens. Sometimes, unconsciously. I worked on some things that were really troubling me. By the time I was on my third loop (I did two long loops and one short one), I felt peaceful and unstressed. I think I'd go crazy without long runs. I'm not sure what I did to destress before I started running. I'm not sure I did anything.

The run was pretty slow. That, too, happens when I run by myself. I just don't care too much. I tried to make a point to make my loops pretty even. I'll know how successful I was when I write it down in my log, but I don't care right now. It was a very easy pace, and I surely could've done 30; I briefly thought about it, in fact, and decided that was overkill. Plus, I just wanted to get home.

It was a long day, and when I got back, my daughter and I made the buckeyes for our annual Lights Extravaganza. Well, we half-way made them; we made the center, and they need to be dipped in chocolate tomorrow. By dinner time, I was in a fog. We wound up going out to dinner instead of cooking. (I have had more alcohol and gone out to eat more in the last two weeks than probably in the last two months previously. Crazy.)

Boy, am I tired right now. Hurry home, honey, so mama can get to bed!

I was visiting and chatting with a friend yesterday and the topic of defining oneself as a runner popped up. His comment was why did speed come to be a definer, and why is longer distance seen as more special? We talked about that for a bit and of course, the topic turned more personal and I got to talking about what defined me as a runner.

It was kind of bittersweet because at the time, I said that it was the simple act of doing. Bittersweet because my friend can't run anymore, and this contrast made me thankful for what I can do but aware of how much I take for granted. And of course it made me reflect even more.

There was a time when I defined myself by how fast I went (or didn't go). I raced obsessively, knew all my competition, and never did a workout with time goals, splits, and the desire to be faster. Each race, every run, was simply a building block towards something better. But a string of bad races made me shift and try something different; if I couldn't be the fastest, I wanted to be the toughest...and that led me in a round-about way to the love of trails. So I began to see myself as defined by how long/far I could go.

After my mountain races, that definition morphed into being an endurance runner. It didn't really matter how fast, just that I was out there completing the course, doing, as my friend Marty called it, that "all day shit." And it's funny; doing that stuff led me to Ironman, when I really didn't/don't consider myself much of a triathlete at all. I went because I was an endurance athlete and that was something endurance athletes do.

And now that I've done an Ironman, I'm back on the trails with my eyes on bigger, longer distances. But I'm not sure that's about defining myself by distance so much as defining myself by the people I spend my time with. I like these folks. I like the outlook on life, the way they treat time on their feet, the love they have for nature, the camaraderie on the trail. And I think that's why it doesn't seem to faze me that I may not finish a 100-miler...it's not the end goal that I'm in love with, it's the process.

So after I tackle my 100-miler, I may not "do anything" for a long time but have fun. I don't really know where that will lead me and I don't really care. Just so long as I'm out there, running around with friends.

And even if I could never run a step again, I would still be a runner because it's in my soul.

Yesterday was a really great day, ending up with friends and celebrating the holidays. Today, however...not so great. I think a lot of emotional baggage that's been simmering has been brought to the forefront; it's like once the dam is breached, the water can't go back. I found myself wanting to avoid some people situations, just needing some space to work through all the stuff that is hitting hard.

I had a very nice run out at Bastrop yesterday. Several things made it nice. It was my first long run since before the Thanksgiving vacation (I don't count the Sunday night 10-mile hilly run as a long run), and I was rarin' to go. The weather was perfect: cool and overcast. I had company for the first loop (thanks, Charlene). I did two of the big loops, the purple and the red trails combined, for 18+ miles. My group was supposed to do 25, so I am not all that far behind. What will happen is they will fall back to 15 next week and I'll go ahead and get my 25 miles in. I think if I'm careful, continue doing my exercises as instructed, cut the amount of running days but up the amount of cycling, and am judicious in my choice of trail work, I should be okay for the 50K at Bandera. Now, I realize that I may have to opt to run Bandera easy as opposed to pushing hard, so I'll just need to treat it as a final long run before Rocky as opposed to going for a new course PR. This small setback has just made me refocus on my primary goal, which is to successfully complete the 50-miler.

My back was achey and a bit sore today, but not painfully so. The exercises I'm supposed to do helped with that. I meant to cycle today but just couldn't get around to it--the will was not there. I hope to be able to squeeze in a spin class tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'm going to get the time.

I've got another trip to Nacogdoches in the cards for this week. My girl will either be able to come home Thursday or Friday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for going early Thursday and being home before evening. Our 26th wedding anniversary is Thursday and we have a fun party to go to Friday, and I'd hate to spend either evening on the road.

First, the trival (and good) news:

I had a great run yesterday. It's amazing how much better I feel and the wonders that Dr. Sellers has worked. That vague feeling of being "locked up" and unable to get my legs to go is gone. The pain in my hip is, essentially, gone. My back is feeling very fatigued now and generally achey, but I trust him that we'll take care of this soon. I'll head out to Bastrop tomorrow for an ease back into a long run, committing only to the 8-mile loop and taking it from there.

Now, the not-so-trivial stuff:

I just got word that I woman I recently met and bonded with who was becoming a friend has gotten some very bad health news...the life-threatening kind. The "diagnosis on Monday, surgery the next Monday" kind.

This news, combined with what is happening to my good friend Dano, makes me feel especially shaken. While my new friend may not be dying, my old friend is. The question that keeps coming up is "why?" And I don't think that's ever a question that can be answered, which means that I believe we, as humans, have to accept certain things without ever understanding or seeing a reason. It doesn't make it any easier. I keep trying to hold on to knowing that the life lived is a legacy, and that's why I chose the quote from "Ulysses"--I may never understand why Dano has had to go through this, but I know that the world is a better place for his passing through it.

I'm having a hard time with the crap of Christmas, the gift-giving end. People are the things that make life worth living, not things, and all I want to do is spend time with the people I love, doing the things I love.